Yoga Fail: When Good Thoughts Go Bad

The hardest part of yoga, for me, is not "standing forehead to knee" (though let's be honest, I'm years away from that pose). The hardest part of yoga is the mental challenge, to keep my thoughts from running away and staying in the moment.

Here's an example: The instructor says "you want to get your forehead to touch your knee" and I think... forehead to knee, forehead to knee, almost there, this would be much easier for my friend C- because she has such a long, elegant nose, she wouldn't have to bend as far, they sure are a nice family, they're going to miss their two oldest kids when they go on that trip this summer, I hope their plane doesn't go down, losing a child would be unbearable, I can't imagine how they'd recover if that happened, the grief would be crushing. 

And just like that I'm not in the moment and depressed about things that have not happened and on the brink of tears.

Here's another: This class is going great, I'm in the moment, I'm happy, yay for me, life is beautiful, life is beautiful... Life Is Beautiful was a really good movie but man it broke my heart, what the father did for the son and I don't think I'll ever get the image of the smile on his face as he marches to his death out of my head.

And there I am on the mat getting choked up about the Holocaust.

So that's my big challenge. Staying in the moment, staying positive, and keeping thoughts of suffering and death out of my practice. By comparison, "standing forehead to knee" doesn't sound so hard, after all.

The Yoga Fart

The room was packed. We were a third of the way through an eighty-minute hot yoga class. And it wasn't even while doing a pose, but while turning around to sit down on the mat and take a rest. And no, it wasn't me. But it could have been.

The woman was between me and the wall, but her mat was a few feet forward of mine, which pretty much put my face in line with her butt. Since it happened when we were sitting down to take a rest, there was no music on. The room was quiet. And it wasn't a tiny fart. It was a big one, unexpected, because when you're sitting down to rest, you have your guard down about that sort of thing. It echoed throughout the room. It was unmistakable. 

What could anyone do but continue on? Pretend it didn't happen? The next sound in the room was the instructor advising us to "Take deep, rich breaths." Being in the position I was, I didn't really want to take deep, rich breathes. "And focus on your intention." 

Focus, I thought. Focus on your intention. My intention is always the same: kindness. And that's what I focused on. I focused on sending kindness to the woman who'd let one slip. I sent kindness and love and understanding. I sent calm and peace and comfort. No one will laugh or point or think any less of her. I sent the assurance that we all experience these moments at some point, that we're all in this together. With every fiber of my sweaty being, I sent positive energy and friendship her way. I sent a reminder that yoga is not about judgement. That the mat is a safe place. And that everything is going to be okay. Because sure, it wasn't me this time. But it could have been. 

Humble Your Warrior

I’ve practiced yoga for years. Hot yoga for the last few months. But last Friday I felt like a complete newbie.

I’d heard people talk before about sudden waves of emotion during yoga, about getting weepy or panicked, needing to rest. It had never happened to me before, so perhaps my inner warrior grew a bit… cocky.

The hot yoga class I take is an hour and twenty minutes. I went every weekday last week, so by Friday I was on my fifth day in a row. The first half of the class was great, though I did notice that it seemed even hotter than usual, well over 105˚. During the second half of the class, I found myself thinking about death.

That’s odd, I thought, as death is clearly not the intention I set at the beginning of this class. 

But it wouldn’t go away. Death was in my head. The deaths of loved ones, my own death, and whether or not I was going to die of a heart attack right there on the studio floor. I backed off, went to child’s pose, focused on breathing out longer than in. I couldn’t slow my heart rate and my throat began to choke with emotion.

Then I did something I’ve never done before. I left early. Never bailing on a class is something I pride myself on. After all, I’m the person that suffers through a class even with the worst of wardrobe malfunctions (which you can read about here). But maybe my pride had grown out of hand. I had to leave. I mouthed the words I’m sorry to the instructor, who graciously smiled and mouthed back it’s okay.

I’ve had three successful classes since then. I’m glad that it hasn’t happened again, but I also know that I’ll be okay if it does. It’s a practice, after all. And every now and then it’s good to humble your warrior. 

I don't see the word death in there anywhere, do you?

Yoga Wardrobe Malfunction

I've pretty much worn the same exercise top for the past four years. It's a gray t-shirt. Boring and old. In light of the fact that my yoga obsession has a reached a fever pitch of late, I decided to treat myself to new gear. I went to Title 9. Note: I cannot afford Title 9. I went anyway and bought four expensive tops for yoga. They are colorful and have elastic to keep parts in place. They are tank tops with cool necklines that I'm sure have fancy words to describe the cut, but I don't know what those words are. In any case, I was very excited.

I went to one of my regular classes. I arrived late and the room is small, so I was relegated to the front, right next to the teacher. We began with opening awareness and the setting of intentions. The usual drill. I felt good in my new top. I felt downright fashionable.

We stood and the heat kicked on. The room was already warm and this was not a hot yoga class. The heating system was simply malfunctioning and forcing us into a hot yoga class.

We began a standing series. We flowed. And it quickly became apparent to me that my cute little new top would not, in fact, contain my breasts. This, despite the presence of what I considered a built-in bra. They hovered dangerously close to escape during down dog, but then really threatened to break free when I came through for up dog.

This is a picture of upward facing dog. Except this woman was smart enough to secure her breasts first. 

Shit, I muttered, which completely contradicts the peace-love-free-calm-happy feeling that I strive for in yoga. I tried to discreetly tuck the girls back into place a few times. But when you're standing at the front of the class and everyone else is facing you, discretion is tricky. It simply wasn't going to work.

The heat continued to malfunction and pour into the room from a vent above me. At the same time, I admitted defeat and put on my hoodie. It was my only option, other than leave. The hood fell down over my face on every forward fold, the ridiculous amount of clothing I wore, combined with the relentless heat, made me extremely uncomfortable, which again, contradicts the whole point. But I finished the class with my boobs hidden from sight. For which I believe my classmates are truly grateful. I still love the top, and it will look great with a pair of jeans. But when it comes to yoga, I'm going with my old gray t-shirt.

You Are What You Eat (and Watch, Breathe, Hear, and Feel)

You are what you eat. We all know this to be true. If you eat healthy, you'll be healthy, and vice versa. Except for the occasional person who defies rational science and manages to break these rules.

I've found the same to be true in other things we consume. Not just food, but music, culture, images, advice. If you take in the negative, it will be nearly impossible for you not to BE negative yourself. Not that I'm in favor of turning a blind eye to the real but negative issues affecting our world, but there are a lot of needless negatives that we consume on a daily basis. In an effort not to turn into these things, here's my list of 8 damaging things I vow to eradicate from my life:

• Useless, hurtful Facebook rants that in no way instigate positive change or understanding.
• Depressing movies. I can appreciate the artistic aesthetic, but I need to consume these in moderation. Life's too short to be sad.
• Scary movies. What I said before. Life's too short to be scared.
• Music that brings me down. If it doesn't bring a smile to my face or at least a vague sense of peace, I'm skipping it.
• Talking heads. I love the band. Hate the angry political instigators.
• Gossip and Tabloids. I'm making a conscious effort to recognize these for the false and damaging things that they really are. 
• Television comas. I never wake up thinking, "Gosh, I wish I'd watched more t.v. last night." I always feel better when I've gone to bed with a book instead. 
• Couch time. A good day requires physical movement. This one's non-negotiable for me. 

Here's to more light in your life. 

New Kid on the Mat

I started yoga at a new gym. Granted, I'm no expert.

This right here...

Yeah, that's not me. I'm not even close.

But I have been doing yoga for many years. My mat shows sufficient deterioration, I can hold a pretty good dancer or camel, and my twig is nothing to sneeze at, either.

Recently I decided I wanted more yoga in my life, so I began attending classes at a new gym, to supplement the ones I already take. It's wonderful. I feel fantastic.

EXCEPT for the fact that I can't help feeling like the new kid on the mat. The new classes I attend are overcrowded and the regulars seem particularly wary of new attendees in an already cramped studio. Of course, the classes are crowded for good reason. The instructor is phenomenal. But as much as yoga involves strength and flexibility, it also involves peace and love and calm, and I'm not feeling much of those things when my classmates shoot daggers at me for adding one more body to the room.

They're not mad at me, of course. They're angry with the facility for providing its members with insufficient studio time, but they're taking it out on me. It's like being sold a ticket to a sold-out theater. It's not your neighbors fault, it's the theater's fault!! But wait... peace, love, and calm. That's better.

I spent much of the last class with someone else's shoes in my face. I was pressed up close to the wall where others had stashed their things, and by the end of the hour I'd built up a healthy resentment toward a particular pair of zebra print Danskos. (Peace love calm peace love calm)

I'm not giving up on the class. I'm going to suffer through being the new kid on the mat for as long as I have to. Most of my classmates will stay, but some will come and go, and eventually I won't be the new kid anymore. When someone else comes along to fill this role, I'm going to scoot my mat over and welcome them with a smile. And I'll sure as hell move my shoes out of the way.

10 Surprising Facts About Orgasms by Sarah Jio

I love this article by Sarah Jio in Woman's Day. It's titled 10 Surprising Facts About Orgasms. My favorite is #9, in which she discussed a woman who had an orgasm every time she used the treadmill. That would take my love of running to a whole new level.

Though now I'm always going to wonder about the women next to me on the treadmills at the gym. Does she just really enjoy working out or did she just...

Universal Technical Institute or Urinary Tract Infection?

Cold weather forced me to the treadmill. I'd rather run outside, but winter is just so... cold! The treadmill at the gym is one of the few places where I see commercials. One came on for Universal Technical Institute. Obviously, whoever came up with this name never had a Urinary Tract Infection, because if they had, they surely wouldn't have named their place of education after this unfortunate ailment. The man on the commercial spent thirty seconds singing the praises of UTI; all I could do was crave cranberry juice.

I don't think saying the full name of the institution is doing it any favors, either. Universal Technical Institute. Universal, really? Wow, that's pretty far reaching. I get that they needed something that sounded impressive, with a little kick to it, because Technical Institute is, well, a little technical. What's more impressive than Universal? And if you really want something with a kick, a Urinary Tract Infection might just do the trick. 

This is a good example of why you should test the title of ANYTHING out on a few people before you go to market. Otherwise, your message may not come across well when you assert, "UTI is right for you!"

Hot Yoga Man

I think this guy is hot. And it has nothing to do with his age, race, or muscles. It has everything to do with humor and health.

Laughter is sexy. Laughter brings balance into the otherwise serious and often heartbreaking world. I love a man who can laugh at himself and bring joy to those around him. It implies a self-assurance and innate peace that attracts one human to another.

The physicality is equally sexy, but it's not about the muscles. Sure, muscles can be a turn on, but hotter than chiseled abs is a man who works hard to take care of his body. Who invests in feeling good through movement and hard work. I find the same qualities sexy in women. It's not about the dress size, it's about honoring the amazing human form and treating it right.

There's something about this picture and the elements it combines that I find undeniably pleasing. I look at his face and wonder what he's thinking, whether it's Hurry up and take the picture or Hey, look, I'm doing it! So many yoga photos show people practicing with serious faces, because the face is supposed to be relaxed. Maybe that's why this one caught my eye. It's almost as if instead of smiling for the camera, he couldn't help but smile, even though he wasn't supposed to. Dear yoga man: in the spirit of joy and health, I salute you.

Also, here's a picture of me writing today's blog:

Just kidding. I'm not quite there. Yet. 

Do Good/Feel Better

I think it's absolutely true that doing good things for others makes you feel better. Not just that you deserve a pat on the back, but helping others has an actual positive impact on your physical health. I'm all about feeling good in every possible way, so today I'm posting this article from Yahoo on the benefits of volunteering.

And now I'm going to search for my next 5K. I'll get in a good run, combat the effects of the holidays, and my race fees will benefit charity. Just thinking about running makes me feel like eating chocolate. I think I'll do that, too.

Men Who Do Yoga Are Sexy

And here's proof:

Read this article from Victory Fitness on why you should do yoga. You'll be in good company.